Cue theme music. Enter HARRY and RON, from opposite sides of the room. RON is excited; HARRY is rather glum.

RON: Harry!

HARRY: Ron! Good to see you, mate.

RON: I like your new contacts!

HARRY: Thanks. I like your back hair.

RON: Yeah, I thought I'd go goth for senior year. Well, here we are back at Hogwarts. [gestures to room] I'm amazed the place is still standing.

HARRY: Yes, they've done a lot of impressive repairs. [sighs]

RON: What's wrong, Harry? Haven't we had a fantastic seven years?

HARRY: That's just the thing, Ron. I was hoping to graduate after seven years. But because we skipped our entire last year of school, they're making us take an eighth to finish all our requirements. Shouldn't leading an army against the Death Eaters, coming back from the dead, and defeating Voldemort be enough?

RON: Yeah, I agree. That's pretty lame. [His cell phone rings.] One moment, I've got a call... it's Hermione.

HARRY: Is she already here?

RON: Yeah, she went straight to the library. Said there was something important she needed to look up. [Into phone] Hey there, hot stuff. Uh huh. Yes. Yes... yes. Yes, he's right here. No, he's fine. What? [to Harry] Has your scar been hurting?

HARRY: Maybe a bit of tingling. I thought it was my imagination. Why?

RON: [Into phone.] Just a bit of tingling. No. Yes. No. Who? Wait, say that again. [pause] You must be joking. You're not joking?

HARRY: What? What's she saying?

RON: Hang on, Hermione, I can't quite process all this information. Can you send it to us in the form of a PowerPoint? Yeah? Great. I'll tell him right now. [hangs up]

HARRY: Tell me what?

RON: He's back!

HARRY: Who's back?

RON: He who must not be named!

HARRY: What? No, he's dead! I killed him myself! Like, several times! Did you even read the seventh book?

RON: I know. But somehow, he's alive again! It must be... magic.

HARRY: That makes no sense whatsoever! I am sick and tired of fighting Voldemort!

RON: I know, Harry, but Hermione says we've got to find a bunch of mystical objects to defeat him again.

HARRY: I wanted to enjoy my last year at Hogwarts. Being a senior is all about slacking off. Why can't I just stay in my dorm room, eat Doritos, and watch Adventure Time until we graduate?

RON: Well, somebody has to defeat the Dark Lord.

HARRY: I don't see why it has to be us.

RON: That's a good point. We could tell some adult authority figures instead of sneaking around putting ourselves in danger.

HARRY: I've got an even better idea!

RON: What?

HARRY: Let's make the first-year Gryffindors do it! They're all young, bright, and eager to get things done. They can do all the work for us, while we sit around and occasionally confirm that they're on the right track.

RON: Brilliant! [facing audience] Did you hear all that, first-year Gryffindors?

AUDIENCE: Yes. [probably rather weakly]

RON: I can't hear you! I said, did you hear all that exposition?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

HARRY: Are you keen to help us?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

RON: Are you clever enough to find the magical artifacts that can defeat the Dark Lord once and for all?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

HARRY: And are you completely unafraid of He-who-must-not-be-named murdering you in your sleep?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

RON: Great! Then let's look at the PowerPoint.

[The PowerPoint may be found here.]

==SLIDE 1==

HARRY: Harry Potter and the Postultimate Confrontation.

RON: What does "postultimate" mean?

HARRY: Maybe it's the opposite of penultimate. So, the confrontation AFTER the last one.

RON: Oh, okay. That makes sense.

==SLIDE 2==

RON: He-who-must-not-be-named is back!

HARRY: Why does he have a nose now?

RON: Oh my god, Harry, you can't just ask people why they have noses.

==SLIDE 3==

HARRY: We need to find three objects, blah blah blah, Prescient Parchment.

RON: I feel like J.K. Rowling might be running out of good names.

HARRY: And Hermione will help us figure out the other two.

==SLIDE 4==

RON: Wait, we need to high-score the N.E.W.T.s to get this thing? Oh, this is just classic Hermione: "So, you'd better go to all your classes!"

HARRY: Translation: the first-year Gryffindors better go to all our classes and take exams for us while we sit around playing Flappy Bird.

RON: I like the way you think, Mister Potter.

==SLIDE 5==

HARRY: Ah, there's a magical website that has everything you need. https://hunt.mathcamp.org/puzzles/2014/

RON: Isn't magic great?

HARRY: Don't forget the "s" in "https". I think "s" stands for sorcery.

==SLIDE 6==

RON: Submitting answers is really easy. And then we'll call you to confirm them,

HARRY: Wait, did Hermione anticipate that we were going to outsource all this work?

RON: Yeah, she knows us pretty well.

==SLIDE 7==

HARRY: We do have a supply of Time Turners to help you out with. If you get really stuck on a puzzle, you can use one of these to travel into a future in which you've solved the puzzle and get the answer.

RON: Is that how Time Turners work?

HARRY: It is now.

RON: Anyway, we're not just going to give these to you for free. You'll have to show off your Hogwarts spirit by accomplishing various tasks to earn Time Turners.

==SLIDE 8==

HARRY: Remember, the four rules are still in effect during the puzzle hunt.

RON: Don't do anything to acquire answers aside from solving puzzles.

HARRY: We're nice upperclassmen, so we want you to have a good time! We'll try to visit you during the day and provide moral support. If you're not having fun, send us an e-mail at harryhassenioritis@gmail.com .

RON: Be sure to eat lunch, or you'll lose the ability to solve puzzles in the afternoon.

HARRY: We expect somebody to defeat He-who-must-not-be-named this afternoon. Of course, we'll continue helping until 6 pm, so as many teams as possible get to defeat You-Know-Who. Meet back here at 7:30 pm, and you'll learn all about how the hunt worked. We'll also go over solutions to some puzzles you request.

==SLIDE 9==

RON: Send a staff member from your team to pick up your first round of puzzles. Once you've received it, return to your assigned room in Gryffindor and get to work. The server will turn on at INSERT TIME HERE, and that's when you can open your folder.

HARRY: All right, everyone! Let's go defeat Voldemort one last time!