"MIT Fraternity Accused Of Robot Hazing" (Issue 4)
"Americans Would Be Outraged If They Understood Enron Collapse" (Issue 1)
"Kent State Basketball Team Massacred By Ohio National Guard In Repeat Of Classic 1970 Matchup" (Issue 2)
"Expanding Universe Could Allow For More Than 750 Quadrillion Blockbuster Locations" (Issue 6)
"Actress Opens Poorly Conceived Animal Shelter" (Issue 9)
"God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity" (Issue 5)
"Researchers Discover Details Smaller Than Minutiae" (Issue 5)
"Internet Pop-Up Quiz Insulting" (Issue 7)
"Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation" (Issue 6)
"U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: 'You All Have AIDS,' Says U.S." (Issue 2)
"Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation" (Issue 9)
"Internet To Reduce E-Mail Delivery To 6 Days A Week" (Issue 1)
"New, Delicious Species Discovered" (Issue 8)
"Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing" (Issue 3)
"Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts" (Issue 9)
"Olympic Closing Ceremonies To Feature Launch Of Chinese Nuclear Arsenal, Invasion Of United States" (Issue 8)
"National Poetry Month Raises Awareness Of Poetry Prevention" (Issue 5)
"Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain" (Issue 8)
"Half Of 26-Year-Old's Memories Nintendo-Related" (Issue 4)
"Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin" (Issue 4)
"Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With" (Issue 2)
"New Oliver Stone 9/11 Film Introduces 'Single Plane' Theory" (Issue 5)
"Director For ASPCA Commercial Demands Sadder Looking Dogs" (Issue 3)
"Yearbook-Staff Meeting Devolves Into Discussion Of Popular Kids" (Issue 4)
"EPA Warns Human Beings No Longer Biodegradable" (Issue 3)
"American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences" (Issue 7)
"Rapture Wreaks Havoc On Local Book Club" (Issue 9)
"Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint" (Issue 2)
"Midwestern Tornado Destroys 4 World's Largest Objects" (Issue ?)
"Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short" (Issue ?)
"Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities" (Issue ?)
"Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism" (Issue ?)
"Bush On North Korea: 'We Must Invade Iraq'" (Issue ?)
"New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th Of North Dakota" (Issue ?)